Title: Let Your Mind Go
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summary: Neither Remus or Harry is over Sirius.
Disclaimer: JKR owns all. I am not trying to make a profit, ya.
Notes: Er, I don't have the books with me, so I apologize for any canon inaccuracies and any OOCness. :| For lycoris.
Sirius's shadow hangs over 12 Grimmauld Place, still.
Harry feels it in the walls, the rooms, the very atmosphere of the house, and he cannot wait to leave. He does not mean it as a sign of disrespect because Sirius had been beloved, so very much beloved, but the guilt still lies heavy within him, even (even?!) after a year. And this was Sirius's house, his now, and even though Sirius hated it here, it is still heavy with who his godfather was.
Harry has trouble sleeping here. Dumbledore's death creeps into his dreams, unbidden, and Harry wakes up more often that not in the middle of the night, green behind his eyelids. The same green that had appeared in his dreams in the past, when he dreamt of the night his parents died for him without knowing what it was, and associating Dumbledore with that just makes everything—Dumbledore had died for him, too, and now Harry owes it to them and to Sirius, whom he killed, to find the rest of the Horcruxes and kill Voldemort.
When Harry wakes up in the middle of the night from this, he usually goes down to the kitchen. Experience has taught him that sleep will come after too long, and it's easier to sit in the kitchen, where there is light.
These days, he has been seeing Remus down there as well. Remus, looking worn and haggard, hands usually around a mug of steaming tea even though it is summer. Tonks is never with him.
Harry does not ask Remus why he is there because then he would have to explain why he himself is in the kitchen as well, and Harry does not think he can explain it without choking. Sirius had been the only parental figure in his life that he could actually remember, and even that was taken away from him.
And Harry thinks that maybe Remus is there because of Sirius as well. He knows the Marauders were close, and he knows that Remus feels guilty about Sirius, too. For different reasons, of course, but guilt is guilt. And they had both loved Sirius very much.
It is a surprise when one night, on his way to the kitchen, Harry nearly bumps into Tonks. She is angry, he can tell, and she does not see him as she walks away from the direction of the kitchen, bumping into more things than usual. Harry enters the kitchen to find Remus sitting, as usual, at the table, but his hands are covering his face tonight.
Harry takes his customary place across from Remus, and the silence, now, is heavy. Finally, Harry asks Remus if he is okay. Remus does not respond, and Harry turns his attention away. He knows better than to press, and Harry is surprised when, after a while, Remus says no.
Harry looks at him, at the lines on his face and the perpetual shabbiness that surrounds him, and he, at that moment, feels guilty for putting Remus in this situation in the first place. If Sirius had been here…and Remus says, no, it's not your fault, Harry, stop thinking it is.
Then you should, too, Harry replies forcefully, and Remus is silent. Harry isn't sure if that was the wrong thing or not because of the silence, but finally, Remus says, But I can't, for the same reason you can't. I feel terrible for dragging Tonks into this. She's a nice girl, but she's a Black, and.
And Harry doesn't need Remus to finish, and he says, But you didn't mean to hurt her. Remus smiles thinly. I did anyway. This is not the first time Harry has seen something like this, and he cannot judge because this is Sirius, and he's not sure he would do any better in a similar situation because it is Sirius.
I still think you are the same, Harry says, finally, and Remus looks at him and smiles, small and a little bitter. James would have been proud of you, and although Harry has heard that too many times before, he still feels proud every time he hears those words.
He loved you, Harry says in response, and Remus freezes before replying, you are James's son. But Harry, now, sees the differences between Remus and him, and he just says, We were both important to him, and he wouldn't have wanted this.
No, Remus agrees, but we are not him.
No, but we should try, for his sake, Harry says, and he finally feels more at peace about this than he has been for a long time. As he walks out of the kitchen, Remus says, I'm proud of you, too, Harry. Harry looks back and says, that means a lot to me, and Remus will never know how much.